


Distrustful of Trust

by orphan_account



Category: Better Call Saul (TV), Breaking Bad, Breaking Bad & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Delusions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Mostly Gen, Paranoia, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Post-Episode: s05e16 Felina, Sad, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-26 21:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7590157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saul’s not sure how much longer he can stand this. He understands just how important it is to be careful, to check over their shoulders lest both of their new lives be destroyed, but if Jesse Pinkman keeps wordlessly drifting into the Cinnabon day after day with wild eyes and a finger to his lips, then Saul’s fairly certain that he’s going to lose it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ninth Times the Charm

It had been going on for over a week now. Each day Jesse turned up looking just a little bit more disheveled, a little more grimy and exhausted. After a while Saul had started paying more attention to the details. Like the fact that Jesse only seemed to own two outfits and was randomly switching between the two. Or the fact that he didn’t have a wallet and only ever ordered a cup of coffee; pulling loose change from his pocket and silently mouthing numbers as he counted the coins. And then, of course, there was the way that he always glanced over his shoulder at least three times throughout their short exchanges. His eyes held an ever-present fear that had begun to consume Saul’s mind as well. He wondered what it was exactly that had turned those pools of blue cold with anxiety and why it was that even saying “hello” seemed to be a strenuous task for him.

Saul could remember how thrilled he had been to see Jesse that first time.

It had been just an ordinary day, the scent of cinnamon wafting around him- so familiar that he was growing to hate it- and the hushed voices of customers creating a hum-drum of meaningless noise to encircle his own self-imposed solitude. Then there he was. An ill-fitting black jacket, the hood pulled up over his downcast head. The second Saul saw him he knew. He knew that it was him. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t even really see his face, and it didn’t matter that that face had scars and a thick beard that had not been there before. Saul just knew. It took everything in him not to lose it at that very moment. He wanted to shout his name. He wanted to hurdle over the counter, grab him, and run. In that moment -logic disregarded- Jesse Pinkman represented so much more than just Jesse Pinkman to him.

Jesse was this incredible cord. This rope that he wanted to tie around his waist and let drag him back to being Saul Goodman Attorney at Law. That horrible cloud of anxiety that normally traced his every step had finally lost track of him and even impossibilities were lifelike.

Jesse had stepped up to the counter, Saul had held his breath, pushed the cashier out of the way, with a nearly unintelligible, “I’ll handle this one, go sweep the back, please,” and waited for Jesse to change his life.

Jesse just mumbled his way to a cup of coffee and continued to stare at the floor tiles.

Saul hadn’t really understood why Jesse was acting so oddly. He had made the mistake of starting to whisper his name, being sure to keep his voice so quiet and controlled that he knew no one besides the two of them had any shot at being able to hear it. Jesse had finally looked up at him, his eyes shaky and wild as if someone had placed a revolver against his temple, and then he rapidly jerked a single finger in front of his lips, his eyes softening as he silently pleaded with Saul to follow his lead.

Saul had nodded, handed him his cup of coffee, and watched him walk out into mall, consumed by the usual maze of carefree shoppers as if he weren’t the ghost of Christmas past.

He had very nearly had a panic attack directly following that encounter.

His heart gave way to terror as he realized that might have been it. Maybe that was the one and only time that Jesse Pinkman would come order a cup of coffee at Cinnabon. Maybe he had blown it. In fact, it felt more than likely that he had.

The thought that he had missed such an improbable opportunity for change was killing him. It had taken everything he had to shake himself from his reverie and finish working. And that night it had taken everything he had (and more booze than he’d admit to drinking) to keep himself from giving up. On everything. The only thing that stopped him from finally listening to that itch at the back of his brain that had been nagging at him for months, was that slim chance, that gleefully possible notion that Jesse Pinkman would come again.

And he had.

Day after day with no end in sight.

And for a while that had been enough.

But eight cups of coffee later, eight torturous, taunting days later, it no longer was.

There had been kind of a long line that day. Jesse was standing behind a man who probably should’ve laid off the Cinnabons and a young couple with nasally voices and a baby they couldn’t seem to shut-up. Saul forced his way to the cash register, just as he did every time Jesse made an appearance, and as he tried to cater to the husky man, he couldn’t stop staring at Jesse. His mind was racing frantically and he could feel reckless abandonment coursing through his veins.

The couple’s order had seemed to stretch on for a decade as he waited for his chance to speak with Jesse.

Jesse ordered a cup of coffee that day, just like all the ones before it.

But Saul had given him a free cinnamon roll and a receipt with his phone number written on the back and a “Call Me Tonight” underneath it, underlined about a thousand and a half times.

Jesse had stood there staring at that note, his eyes sporadically flickering between Saul and the paper. “I don’t have a cell phone right now,” he whispered, leaning against the counter, his face so close that Saul could feel his breath on his cheek and smell the staleness of his breath.

“Use a payphone.”

That seemed to have been an acceptable answer to the boy, because he slowly nodded his head and disappeared for the ninth time.

* * *

Jesse followed through.

The incessant ringing of Saul’s phone sounded like a chorus of angels.

“Hi! Thank you for actually calling, I was really pretty worried that you wouldn’t. You haven’t exactly been Mr. Talkative and all, you know.”

“That’s a...so listen, um...I don’t think that this is a good idea. Talking like this. It’s dangerous. I think someone’s listening in on this conversation.”

A lump quickly formed in Saul’s throat, making it hard for him to swallow. He was shocked. He’d known that there might always be people out there looking for the two of them, but to hear that Jesse thought the situation so critical that he was afraid Saul’s phone might be tapped...He could hardly breathe. There wasn’t a single sliver of his being that was even halfway tempted to hang-up, though. This conversation was worth more to him than anything.

“Jess-“ Saul caught himself, mentally cursing at his slip-up. Almost saying Jesse’s name over a bugged line, how much of a fool was he exactly?

Jesse, unfortunately noticed the mistake, “Dude, you’re totally going to get me killed.”

“Sorry, sorry, won’t happen again, I swear,” he paused for a second before asking, “Who do you think is listening right now?”

The line went quiet for a moment, and he could hear Jesse take a deep, unsteady breath. “I don’t really know for sure, but probably the FBI.”

Jesse said it in such a serious tone, his voice so low and monotone, that Saul couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “You’re joking, right? Do you even hear yourself right now?”

“They want us dead!” Jesse shouted, high-pitched and desperate, “Sometimes I can see them out of the corner of my eye, they never stop following me.”

Saul didn’t even know how to respond to that. His grip on the phone was loosening as his palm was growing moist with sweat and his hand was starting to shake. There was something far grimmer here than the threat of the FBI.

“Hey, are you doing okay?” he suddenly interjected, his voice as troubled as he felt.

“What? No! I just told you that the FBI is following us, we are _both_ not okay.”

“R-right...So where are you living right now?”

“Why is that important!?” Saul heard a sharp gasp, and a noisy rustling sound. “Did you make a deal with them? You’ve been trying to get me for weeks, haven’t you?”

The line went silent. “Hello?” Saul shouted into the phone, his voice laced with deeply-rooted desperation. Nothing. The line was dead. Jesse was gone.

“No, no, no,” Saul mumbled to himself repeatedly, as he began to hastily click buttons on his phone until he was in the process of calling the payphone back. To his surprise, the phone actually started to ring. “Pick up, pick up, pick up.”

“Hello?” He picked up. _His voice_ sounded like a chorus of angels.

“Thank god. I swear to you, cross my heart and hope to die and all that, I didn’t make a deal with the FBI. I just wanted to know where you’re staying because...I don’t think that it has a shower.”

“...What?”

“You’re completely broke. Aren’t you, kid? Living on the streets? Forking out the only money you have so that you can come in to my place of work, give me some hope, and then cryptically dash it?”   

Jesse sighed, “I’ve been wanting to say something to you, I mean, that’s why I came to Omaha and all, but I’ve just been waiting until it's safe, and it isn’t right now.”

“It’s fine. It’s as safe now as it’s ever gonna be, I think that you’re just...” He had to approach this topic with great care. He was more than a little worried about setting him off again and having Jesse hang up the payphone and actually walk away this time. “You’re just being really paranoid. And I mean, I don’t blame you, but you’ve gotta live a little, kid. The FBI isn’t after us.”

“You don’t know shit,” Jesse muttered, “Stop trying to lull me into fake security, I’m only alive right now because of how careful I’ve been. I can’t just “live a little”, that will get me killed.”

“Can we make a compromise? Let’s make a compromise, huh? Somethin’ in both of our best interests.”

“Like what?”

“How bout’ you come stay with me. Now hold on, I know that you think my house is probably all bugged, but just think about it. Staying on the streets like that you have absolutely no security. _Anything_ could happen to you out there. But in here? You’d be a 1000% safer, guaranteed. I have walls. And aside from that, wouldn’t it be beneficial to have someone watching your back? Another set of eyes to tell you if the FBI is trailing you?” Saul was doing his best to muster up his inner lawyer. He was really having to make a plea bargain here. Jesse’s paranoia was a hella scrutinizing judge. “Plus, if you come here you can take a shower, and everyone from here to San Fran knows you need one. And some clean clothes, warm food, and a mattress...or at least a couch. It’ll be great.”

No answer.

“Hello?”

Silence.

“Shit did he seriously just hang up on me again!?” Saul shouted into the seemingly empty line.

“Ok fine. I’m outside of that Denny’s a couple blocks from the mall, come pick me up. And hurry cause’ there’s a freaky old dude across the street and I swear I saw him pocket a gun.”

Saul could feel a smile spread across his lips, “Yessiree. Be there momentarily!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heesh this is pretty choppy. I haven't written anything besides essays for a year and am pretty nervous to post this. I really hope it's at least slightly decent. 
> 
> I researched schizophrenia for like eight hours which is way longer than I normally research stuff for fanfics, but I know that my portrayal of the disorder (despite my best efforts) will probably be pretty off. I deeply, deeply apologize if I offend anyone throughout the course of this fic. I realize that it's a delicate subject, and if anything I write feels inaccurate or super unrealistic to you please let me know.


	2. Belize

The entire universe took on a different scent the second that Saul parked his obnoxiously bland Honda Civic next to the Denny’s a couple blocks from the mall. Seeing Jesse’s skinny frame a few feet away- illuminated in the darkness by the lights flooding out of the diner- made him genuinely worried that his heart would beat its way right out of his chest cavity. He couldn’t get out of that damn car and down the sidewalk fast enough.

He had been meaninglessly trudging on through life for so long now that it felt so very odd to finally be doing something significant. He was terrified of the hope growing within him. Having hope that things would get better would only make it so much harder for him to exist if they didn’t.

Jesse was leaning against the Denny’s, staring at the ground and trying to keep hold of a clump of grimy clothing while slowly rubbing at his arms through the sleeves of his jacket. Saul was only a few strides away from him when he finally looked up and noticed him. They both rose their hands in the air simultaneously and waved at the other awkwardly.

“Hey, look nobody shot you!” Saul joked, clapping Jesse on the shoulder. He was getting the impression that he should probably stop joking about Jesse’s fears, but he couldn’t really bring himself to refrain.

 “Yeah, whatever,” Jesse mumbled, beginning to rub at his arms more hurriedly. “Yo, hey, can we just like get going? I don’t like being outside at night much.”

“Sure thing, kid. Though I fail to see how you were perfectly peachy with sleeping outside if that is the case.” Saul quirked an eyebrow at him as he spun around and began leading him back to his car.

“Just cause’ I’ve been doing it doesn’t mean that I like doing it, aight? It trudges up memories and shit...” Jesse trailed off as Saul tugged the passenger side door open for him. 

Saul made his way behind the steering wheel, sat down, and slammed the car door behind him. “Well you can count yourself lucky because my house, surprisingly, has a ceiling. So you can kiss sleeping under the stars sayonara.” He started the ignition, casting Jesse once last glance as he set his hands at ten and two. Jesse’s mouth was slightly agape, his sternum pushed out by a breath he refused to let go of.

“Man you are so not going to be good for my head,” he whispered, rubbing at the back of his neck and sighing.

Saul didn’t really understand what Jesse meant by that statement, other than that everything he said seemed to ruffle the boy’s feathers in some way or another. It occurred to him that he and Jesse had not been exactly chummy at their parting. Actually, they had both wanted the other bloodied or dead. He was started to feel like he was going to have his work cut out for him with this whole roomies situation. 

Saul managed to keep his mouth shut for the next three minutes or so, but the silence grew unbearable extremely quickly. “So...” he prompted. He’d been waiting to talk to Jesse for a while now and he currently had him as a captive audience, so he figured he should make use of the opportunity somehow. He felt like he was really treading on some thin ice, though. It was impossible to avoid sensitive subjects with Jesse when talking about the starts seemed to twist his knickers. “How do you like Omaha?”

Jesse looked a bit caught off guard, he’d appeared pretty content with the quiet and Saul had apparently thrown a wrench in his Zen. “It’s deece, I guess. I mean, the weather has been nice...it’s not quite as hot as Albuquerque, so that’s sorta sweet.”

Their first real conversation in almost a year and it was about the weather. Yeah, Saul could definitely feel his hopes standing on their last legs. He tried to think of another topic of conversation that would perhaps be a tad more fulfilling. “Hey, do you think that you could maybe stop at a gas station or something and like, front me a fiver?” Jesse asked, graciously relieving Saul of his conversationalist duties.

“Yeah, that’s an easy one. What do you need it for?” 

“I’m kinda dyin’ for a pack of smokes right now.”

Saul wanted to question the wisdom behind that request but figured that there would be no point in doing so. Jesse’s nicotine addiction had always –and seemed to still be- the least of his demons, so if Jesse wanted to smoke then he would just shut up and oblige him. Besides, it wasn’t like he hadn’t been known to give in to the occasional cigarette himself.

He pulled into the parking lot of the nearest gas station and stopped the car. He shifted over to face Jesse, “Do you want me to just go in and get it for you? You look a little like someone jabbed out your bright eyes and hacked off your bushy tail.”

Jesse yawned, as if on cue, but he slowly shook his head. “Nah, I want to go in with you.”

Saul wondered why it was necessary for him to go in too if Jesse was ready and willing to make the purchase himself, but Jesse’s eyes had that dash of distress he had grown so used to, and he figured that he was just too afraid of hurting his masculinity to admit that he was sick and tired of being alone in the darkness. 

“Alright, come on then. Somebody already turned off the sun and I have work in the morning.”

Jesse nodded, making haste as he opened the car door and slipped back out into the nippy nighttime air. Saul followed after him, managing to make it to the convenience store before he did. He tugged the door open and held it for Jesse to shamble through. Jesse tipped his head in a small show of gratitude, immediately making his way to the checkout counter upon walking into the shop.

A knot began to form in Saul’s stomach as he took in his surroundings. Corner stores like this never failed to give him a kick of bitter melancholy. His time behind the cash register of his father’s store felt like it was three lifetimes ago, and in a way it really was. Long gone was the reign of Slippin’ Jimmy. The number of identities he had assumed in his life now seemed staggering, and it made him nauseous to think about how very different they all were.

Saul was snapped back into the present by Jesse prodding his shoulder and holding out his hand for something. “Oh, right,” he muttered, shaking his head to clear it as he dug into his pocket to retrieve his wallet. He thrust a five dollar bill into Jesse’s waiting palm.

“I realized I’m gonna need a lighter too,” he prompted, still holding out his hand expectantly.

Saul absentmindedly handed him another two dollars and watched him silently pass the money on to the cashier. He noted the way that Jesse avoided making eye contact with the man, just as he had done with him every time he bought a cup of coffee. He wondered why that was.

Honestly there were so many things that he wanted to ask the former meth cook, but he knew that at this stage spewing his questions at Jesse’s feet would be like pelting him with bricks. He knew very little about what had transpired back in New Mexico after his escape to Nebraska. Some of it was on the news, the whole “crystal kingpin dies in a shootout” crap was impossible to escape. There was almost an entire month where he’d seen Walter’s face every time he turned on the news, and it had kind of boiled his blood. He wasn’t sure how to feel about the man’s death; he was just glad that he had gotten out before shit got _that_ real. He had cut it close, though, and he couldn’t help but remember how Walter had tried to stop him from getting out of that hell. _“It’s not over until I say it’s over.”_ Yeah, there was a large chunk of his heart that had been pretty damn pleased at the news of that bastard’s death.

As far as Jesse’s fate went, though, Saul had been completely clueless, and still felt pretty in the dark. He couldn’t really say that he had thought about Walter’s partner much after parting ways with everything he had ever known. Actually, he had felt almost certain that Jesse had taken a trip to Belize courtesy of Walter.

“Alright, let’s bounce!” Jesse called, rushing towards the door, holding it open for Saul this time around.

“Thanks,” Saul whispered, his voice so quiet he wasn’t even sure he’d really spoken. Jesse’s spirits seemed to have lifted a few inches off the ground, and he eagerly lit up a smoke the second the door slammed shut behind him.

Saul waited for him, wanting him to get the urge out of his system before they got into his car. Saul was really itching to go home by this point, though. He just couldn’t stand the sight of Jesse anymore.

His thoughts had spiraled too far out of control and all he could keep thinking about was the fact that he had tried to convince Walter to kill the kid. He had told Walter to put him down like an animal, and now here he was clinging onto Jesse with nothing but self-centered hope propelling his every action. Even he could realize how messed up that was.

He wondered if there had ever been a time in his life where Jesse wasn’t being used by someone.

He might try to masquerade it as him helping Jesse, getting him off the streets and getting him a place to stay and all. _Gee what a swell guy he was._ But back when he had tried to get Jesse slaughtered he had managed to convince himself that _dying_ would really be in Jesse’s best interest too. _The kid is digging his own grave, his life is a mess, and he really doesn’t seem to have much left; even if he doesn’t see it yet, death would be a relief for someone like him. After all, he is nothing but a futureless junkie and he’ll probably wind up getting me killed._

“Hey, Saul, um...”

Saul flinched at the sound of Jesse’s voice, he was standing closer to him now, his cigarette gone and his head tilted in Saul’s direction so that he could hear him whisper. “Yeah?” Saul whispered back, chancing a glance at the man. He couldn’t help but find himself staring at the scars that lined his increasingly hardened features. _Well, if Walter had killed Jesse then he wouldn’t have had to endure whatever hell produced those scars._ Saul bit his bottom lip, not at all wanting to follow that line of thought. He was already sick with himself, and yet here he was still trying to find some way to justify his previous actions and lessen his guilt at the expense of his humanity.

“Do you...do you see him?” Jesse’s eyes were so wide that Saul was mentally prepping himself to catch them if they fell out of their sockets. There was a potent emotion swelling within those eyes, but he couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was. It wasn’t the usual smothered terror, no it seemed more optimistic than that. He figured that it must have been some sort of complicated brand of happiness.

Saul shook his head, following those eyes at they led him to stare at absolute nothingness. There was no one anywhere near them as far as he could tell.

The joy in Jesse’s eyes went out like a birthday candle gone long before any wishes could be made. “But...” He shot Saul a confused glance as he took a cautious step forward.

Saul couldn’t help but grab at Jesse’s shoulder and try to tug him back. He had known something was extremely off about Jesse since their telephone conversation earlier that night, but seeing the phenomena in person was a whole new kind of unsettling. “Who is it? What are you looking at?”

Jesse let out a strangled cry as he threw his hands up and balled his fists over his eyes.

Saul shuffled over to his side, placing one hand on his back and using his other hand to try to gently coax his hands away from his face. “Hey there now, what’s up?” he paused, watching a tear cascade down Jesse’s scarred cheek and disappear into his beard. “Whatever you see it’s not...it’s not really there, Jesse. You know that, right?”

“Oh really,” Jesse muttered, his tone slightly sarcastic behind how shaky and dismal his voice sounded. He took a deep breath and wiped away the moisture under his eyes before finally allowing his hands to fall back down to his side. He looked at Saul, his bottom lip bit and his eyes still threatening to let another stream loose despite his best attempts at damming the water flow. “Shit, I’m so screwed up, ya know? Sometimes I...I just don’t even always know what’s real anymore,” he paused, his chest heaving as his emotions began to pour down his cheeks again. He made no attempt to stop the tears this time, it had become obvious that he was fighting an uphill battle in that respect. “Like, how sad is that?” he whispered.

Saul was well aware that he had never been the best when it came to providing comfort, but he knew that he was at least going to have to make some sort of an attempt here. He started by clumsily patting him on the back, but the gesture made him feel like a lousy football coach, so he quickly put an end to it. He starred at Jesse’s shaking, sobbing form for a moment, before wrapping his arms around the boy in an equally awkward, but far more meaningful manner. Jesse stiffened in his arms, his breaths becoming even noisier and more sporadic. It took a moment, but soon Saul felt Jesse return the hug, and rest his tear streaked face down on his shoulder.

“I’m not even...” Jesse’s breath hitched as he tried to speak, and he gave up for a second before pulling away from Saul’s grip, wiping at his eyes once more, and trying again, “I’m not even totally sure if you’re really real, cause’ you’re...” he paused again, gazing out into the distant emptiness that had transfixed him so moments before, “You’re as too good to be true as he is.”

Saul swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat, “Who?” he asked again, his voice was empty, having taken on a slightly haunted quality to match Jesse’s own.

“Mike,” Jesse slurred, his eyes finally breaking away from the invisible man as he hustled towards Saul’s car.

Saul allowed his feet to follow Jesse’s, but his mind couldn’t help but linger. Nothing about him was too good to be true. _He had wanted Jesse dead. He really had._

But now Jesse clearly needed his help, and in order to mop up his own messy conscience he would offer it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this chapter was pretty uneventful. I had planned for Jesse to get all moved in and crap and yet they haven’t even gotten back to Saul’s house yet...great. 
> 
> Ok, wow. So first off I just want to thank everyone for their kudos, I was so, so happy to see them. And a huge thank you to those of you who commented, they meant a lot to me. I’m honestly surprised that anyone is reading this, but I’m so glad that you are.


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